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VIDEO

Wish we could reverse the year-II

By : K Balakumar, E-Mail : balakumarkb@gmail.com
Saturday, 31st December 2016

(This is the second part of
the year-in-review 2016)

In a bid to ease up the pressure on May, RBI introduces into the market...
June
Prime Minister Narendra Modi proposes to Finance Ministry a far-reaching proposal to tackle the galloping inflation. His suggestion is simple but most sensible: “Stop computing inflation”.


In a related development, the spunky Kolkata-based The Telegraph scoops the story that the Finance Ministry was all along not computing the inflation figures. “We were just doling out some random numbers, and nobody figured that out,” a Finance Ministry official was caught on camera saying.


In a continuing related development, online media organisation OpIndia comes up with a fitting rebuttal to The Telegraph report. OpIndia establishes with proof that not just inflation, all numbers that economists throw up are totally fabricated. This includes their age also. “This is the case from Adam Smith to Amartya Sen,” they corroborate with facts.


RBI sends a circular to all banks to spell ‘Thousand’ as ‘Thous&’ and says dictionaries will be recalibrated soon to accommodate the same.


Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal accuses the Narendra Modi government of stalling the proposal to build a modern all-purpose beach at Connaught Place.


Former Finance Minister P Chidambaram said that when he was the Home Minister he had personally cleared a project for a separate ocean for Delhi.


Rahu Gandhi comes up with documents to prove Narendra Modi had a big ocean in his bathroom when he was the Chief Minister of Gujarat. A photoshopped picture of a bucket full of water with the caption reading, ‘Pacific Ocean’ is presented to the media.


Britain, as precisely predicted by all leading political journalists, votes to get out of the European Union. But wants the European Union to take care of Queen Elizabeth in her old age. EU convenes an emergency meeting and passes the following formal resolution against Britain: “Go, take a walk”.


BCCI’s accounts are frozen by an order from the Supreme Court. BCCI officials are hard pressed for money for every day expenses and its members are forced to, in the moving words of its secretary Ajay Shirke, ‘drink coffee at home as opposed to in some humble 5-star hotel”.


As time ticks by, RBI, in a bid to tackle the burgeoning days in the month of June, hastily announces the arrival of...


July
In a direct and probably the most daring operation ever on black money, Prime Minister orders the Indian Air Force to carry out sorties on cash hoarders and their lockers.


Rahul Gandhi says that he has enough documentary evidence to prove Narendra Modi government was planning to privatise Indian Air Force by “selling it to Sahara or Tata or any other company already involved in ship-building”.


In a much-needed thrust to digital economy, rupee notes in India to carry PayTM CEO’s signature.


In Tamil Nadu, Chief Minister J Jayalalithaa opens AmmaUnavagamemes, a kiosk that will supply all latest memes to people living below the poverty line of not owning any smart phone.


Campaign in the Presidential elections gets unprecedently murky. Democrat candidate Hillary Clinton’s camp alleges that Republican nominee Donald Trump is a sexual predator and will sell the White House to Hugh Hefner so that it could be converted into as Play Boy mansion. Trump hits back at Hillary in a measured manner, saying: “*^&% off”. The events to follow establish Trump’s response in this case was height of politeness.


Media industry in India finds its revenue plummeting, and in a quick move to shore up funds, tickets the bout between Barkha Dutt and Arnab Goswami.


Carnatic vocalist T M Krishna gets the prestigious Ramon Magsaysay Award for his pioneering work in taking “classical music away from concert halls” so that people in concert halls can listen to something that is actually enjoyable.


In cricket, Lodha Committe slams BCCI President for conflict of interest, and points out the “Anurag Thakur” anagrams to “U hunt Agarkar”.


Staying with sports, ahead of the Olympics, there is confusion in the Indian camp over who to  nominate for the 74-kg wrestling bout. And the two pugnacious contenders are, of course, Ratan Tata and Cyrus Mistry.


In a mid-season development, RBI leaves the bank rates untouched but daringly tells the nationalised banks to move to...


August
Down South in India, Cauvery issue rocks Tamil Nadu and Karnataka. And the two State virtually go to war against each other. Karnataka tells that with the monsoon having failed in the State, it has no water to share with Tamil Nadu. The Supreme Court, however, steps in smartly and orders Karnataka to give Tamil Nadu, at the minimum, 36,000 Kinley water bottles as a stopgap measure.


Up North, in a major social media push, understandably at the behest of Prime Minister Narendra ‘no-nonsense’ Modi, the PMO gets a Snapchat account. The PMO press release says: “The idea is to reach out to the ‘modern young set’ and ‘speak their lingo’ and make available on Snapchat PM’s Mann Ki Baat programme”.


Keeping his guns trained on the NDA government Rahul Gandhi asks why just Jan Dhan. “What about other months? Why not Feb Dhan, Mar Dhan, Apr Dhan and so on covering all the 14 months in the calendar,” he says at a public meet in Dhanbad.


The horror film fixation in Tamil Nadu gets out of hand. A six-theatre multiplex comes up at Kannamapettai graveyard.


It is a happening period in the world of sports with the Rio Olympics getting off to a spectacular start and amidst all the stars like Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps, an unheralded judoka from Nigeria steals the thunder and becomes the first ever sportsperson in the entire universe to get his Olympic medal from Nita Ambani, who was nominated by Indian Olympic Association for what seems like her Olympic record in the use of botox.


In depressing developments in Kashmir, Barkha Dutt goes there.


In UP, pro-wrestling league gets underway in spectacular fashion and the inaugural edition features solely the family members of Mulayam Singh Yadav.


Appalled by its undeniable obscenity, the Censor Board orders several cuts to Udta Punjab’s hero Shahid Kapoor’s hairstyle.


Talking of cuts, RBI cuts whatever remains of August, which means it is...


September
Unable to tolerate the constant sniping and terrorist attacks from Pakistan, in what is seen as a first of its kind response from New Delhi, Narendra Modi government orders surgical strikes, wherein Indian troops are airdropped into Pakistan territory “with the explicit purpose of catching Pokemon Go characters”.


Rahul Gandhi and his Congress party, setting aside political differences, agree to the nation that Pokemon Go is indeed an addictive game.


International consumer electronics giant Samsung recalls a particular series of mobile phones after they, when you press the home screen button, accidentally launch nuclear strikes on Syria.


Popular newsperson Arnab Goswami announces his decision to quit his news channel, and his news show, News Hour, the most hated programme in India that everyone, including Arnab’s rivals in the media field, watched, will no longer be the same again. Its TRP rating is expected to come down by several decibel points.


Nobel prize for Literature goes to Bob Dylan and he thanks the Nobel committee with the eloquent words on his door that only poets like him can come up with: “Do not disturb”.


Chennai Metro’s second phase, leading up to Chennai Airport, is opened for public. Thanks to this much-needed connection to the airport, now glass panes in the Metro station will also start breaking.


In a late-night emergency development, Chief Minister Jayalalithaa is hospitalised. “Nothing to worry. She is in the pink of health. She is just being treated to ascertain how a person could be so healthy,” the hospital’s medical bulletin says.


The officials part of the Indian Olympic contingent return from Rio at the end of a tiring and energy-sapping six months of Rio Olympics.


In global news, peace process in troubled Syria gets a much-needed boost with...never mind, before the sentence could be completed, firing between whoever is fighting there erupts again.


RBI replaces Raghuram Rajan with --- this one has complete public support --- a fully-functional ATM.


Staying with RBI, it announces that monsoon this year is deficit by 37%. But before any one can point that RBI cannot take over the work of the Weather Bureau, arrives...


October
The Supreme Court, in a much-needed order, tells cinema halls to have a guard of honour, conduct full-fledged military parade, present medals to meritorious military and police personnel, and telecast President’s address to the nation before every film screening. The nation’s collective heart swells with patriotic pride.


In hospital news, Tamil Nadu Chief Minister Jayalalithaa continues to be healthy and her medical bulletin says that she is being monitored for global warming and El Nino effect.


Prime Minister Narenda Modi kicks off a programme to introduce modern-technology to farmers. He presents to them state-of-the-art selfie sticks.


At a Kissan rally, Rahul Gandhi confesses that he honestly prefers Heinz.


India formally adopts Kenya’s currency. RBI issues a press release saying that it is proactively taking the decision based on the fact that its new Governor Urjit Patel is Kenyan born.


Thanks to the intervention of Union External Affairs Minister Sushma Swaraj, India announces air-lifting of all its citizens in foreign countries injured in Samsung Note-7 firing.


In other technology news, Apple unveils a new phone, with typical enhanced features including a hands-free, wireless feature that will, on its own, place the order for the next version of i-phone as and when it hits the market.


In Harry Potter news, a new book in the series is out, okay not exactly a new book but a screenplay, okay not exactly written by J K Rowling but somebody else, hits the market. It is named: Harry Potter and People Will Buy This Because It Has Harry Potter In The Title.


In America, Republican nominee Donald Trump assures the nation that he, if he becomes the President, will not announce nuclear strikes on his Democrat rival Hillary Clinton.


In further news, incriminating emails reveal Hillary Clinton to have used personal and private weather satellites.


Meanwhile, in India, The Supreme Court orders the RBI to announce the arrival of...


November
The most dramatic and sensational fight on black money is unveiled to the nation by Prime Minister Narendra Modi. “Black money is generated because,” he tells the nation in a televised address, “there is money. To tackle the supply of black money we have to tackle the supply of money” and then proceeds to ban the use of the word ‘black’.


A RBI notification follows that it was withdrawing the word ‘black’ from all dictionaries. People who have used the word ‘black’ before are given time till Dec 30 to tell their bank managers under what circumstances they had used the said word.


ATM kiosks, in what seems like a temporary technical glitch, are filled with Coca-Cola vending machines.


To highlight the plight of the common public, Rahul Gandhi stands in an ATM queue to collect his monthly salary. Before he could collect his money, much to his disappointment, he is told by the bank staff that the media camerapersons have all left.


For the first time in world history, every time some Indian issued a cheque, the bank bounced.


An Axis Bank branch in Delhi’s Karol Bagh places RBI under the NPA list.


In West Bengal, the irrepressible Mamata Banerjee accuses the Modi government of trying to impose military rule in her State and smartly comes up with the proof for her allegations through ‘verified’ pictures of an NCC parade at La Martiniere School, Kolkata.


The judicial process in the country gets a techno fillip with the introduction of e-courts in Hyderabad. The first ever verdict in it is --- undeniably a landmark order --- still loading.
The officials team for the 2020 Olympics sets out to Tokyo.


The American elections throws up a stunner. Despite repeated warnings about inherent dangers, the public go ahead and elect, exactly, Samsung Note-7.


Some musical celebrity died. Social media platforms are agog with users unable to comprehend a future without the said celebrity for the next thirty odd minutes.


The Cyrus Mistry and Ratan Tata feud gets messier and messier. Accusations fly thick and fast from each other. It is no-holds-barred. Suddenly some of us become wistful for Trump and Hillary fight. At least they were rivals. Mistry and Tata were actual colleagues.


The Hindi film Ae Dil Hai Mushkil runs into problems over the casting of a Pakistan actor in it. The MNS party in Maharashtra throws a huge fit. Luckily the State government steps in and works out a sensible plan for giving the satellite rights for the film to MNS.


Before the RBI could have any more rethink on whatever it might have or might not have been thinking, luckily arrives, for one last time this year, a new month in...


December
It is mostly news from economy and finance:
Digital economy comes of age in the country. It starts watching porn.


RBI issues guidelines to banks to charge rent for people standing in ATM queues for more than two hours.


RBI has a notification saying people standing in ATM queues will be taxed.


Finance Ministry issues ordinance that people hoarding more than ten old newspapers (which would fetch money at the waste paper mart) would be liable for prosecution under the I-T Act.


Thanks to the action on black money and counterfeit currency, terror operations are hit. Finance Ministry releases files in which both LeT and JeM have formally filed for bankruptcy.


In a swift action, Delhi police raid an Axis Bank branch in Barakhamba Road and seize several RBI officials secretly hoarded there.


IT officials in Chennai swoop down in on the premises of a high-profile PWD contractor who is reportedly close to several Ministers and top bureaucrats in the State, and seize several incriminating documents, including Google Maps to the nearest working ATMs.


Rahul Gandhi says he has enough evidence with him to establish what the abbreviation RBI stands for.


Following more complaints of fire, Samsung recalls the new Indian Rs.2000 rupee note.


Tamil Nadu Chief Minister J Jayalalithaa passes away. The hospital issues a medical bulletin identifying the cause of her death: Vardah cyclone.


DMK chief M Karunanidhi is hospitalized. The medical bulletin is a: Selfie.


Vaiko’s MDMK walks out of an alliance group in which it was the sole member.


Actors couple Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor have a baby boy and give him a him a controversial name. But since the naming a child is the prerogative of the parents, most Twitter users react to the news reasonably and move on to other issues of real importance to give their opinions on.


Hackers group strike. Rahul Gandhi’s personal computer is targeted. And out to the world is revealed: He is still using Internet Explorer and is still on Windows 3.1 edition.
Hackers also attack Barkha Dutt’s computer and find as screensaver: A pin-stuffed voodoo doll of Arnab Goswami.


As a culmination to the year, Narendra Modi addresses the nation and announces to the grateful public that from Jan 1, 2017 all ATMs in the country will be recalibrated and upgraded to --- rim shot--- play Mann Ki Baat programme,
Happy New Year, folks!

 

About Columnist

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